NewsStudent LifeCounselingParentsCommunications
Tips from the Counseling Office on parent communication
Oct 23, 2007 11:23 AM
By Tannika King - Faculty
It is bound to happen at some point during your child’s “growing up” years. You will inevitably receive word that your child has behaved negatively in some situation. In Lower School, it may be the use of unkind words or repeating something too “adult” that they have seen or heard on television. In Middle School, it may be first experiences with relationships of the opposite sex, gossip, or even cigarettes and alcohol. Upper School it is a continuation of Middle School, only now child has gone mobile and you have to keep up with what is going on at friends’ houses as well.
There likely will also come a time when you witness something of concern involving someone else’s child. Or, your child comes home and tells you what he or she has heard at school concerning a classmate. You know that if the situation were reversed, you would like to be informed that your child was making poor choices. But how do you do it? How do you approach the parents of another child to tell them disconcerting news? If you decide to take the plunge and talk to the parent about their child, choosing your words carefully can help minimize any defensiveness or hostility the parents may feel.
To encourage positive responses, keep the following guidelines in mind:
• Speak in specifics, not generalities. A parent who hears “Charlie is always being a brat to my child” is more likely to react defensively than one who is told “Charlie called my daughter ‘stupid’ while they were playing yesterday.”
• Keep complaints to a minimum. If you go through a list of everything you have observed from a child, it could stagger even the best of parents. Instead, offer a couple of choice examples that are causing the most concern. Parents can grasp what is going on without being deluged with bad news.
• Avoid predicting future failures. Don’t make sweeping statements like, “If your daughter doesn’t stop this behavior soon, she will never have any friends.” Just hearing how their child is behaving today is usually enough for parents to bear without the added worry of how the child will cope in the future.
• Anticipate success. Avoid giving parents the impression that you consider their child to be incorrigible. If you throw up your hands and say, “I don’t know what you are going to do with your child,” parents will likely become defensive and not want to talk. If you let the parents know that you care about their child and are confident that things will work out for the best, you will usually receive a better response.
• Know when to stop. It is not a given that the values you hold for your children are the same as other parents’ values. It is your responsibility to pass on the information and let the other parents know that you care. It is not your place to interject your values into their lives or expect them to respond as you would. Once you have stated your position, work together if possible, or allow the family to handle the information in their own way. If the information you share is totally refused, you may need to politely excuse yourself from the situation and make a decision based on what is best for your family.
• Do not take defensiveness personally. A defensive response to upsetting news is natural. When children show disappointing behavior, parents often react defensively to cover up how they actually feel. It is important to keep in mind the many emotions that parents may feel upon hearing bad news about their child.
And remember, a parent may feel…
• Embarrassed. Especially in a close-knit community such as Darlington, parents may feel that all eyes are on them if their child has misbehaved. They may fear that they are seen by the rest of the community as “bad parents,” or fear that word will spread.
• Guilty. Because many parents may believe that behavior is caused rather than chosen, they may blame themselves due to fear of not being good parents.
• Powerless. Parents may think that they are supposed to know how to make their children behave. When parents realize that their discipline efforts are not working, they may wind up feeling powerless.
• Fearful. When parents hear bad news about their child, they often worry about what the future will bring. “If my 6-year-old is being mean to others in first grade, what will happen when she gets to Middle School?” Parents may also fear that they are alone in feeling inadequate to face all parenting tasks and feel afraid to admit it to others or ask for help.
• Overwhelmed. Many parents work outside the home during the day and attempt to fulfill all their parenting and housekeeping duties during the evening and weekends. When you tell an already overwhelmed parent about their child’s problems, you could be adding the straw that breaks the camel’s back.
There is no doubt about it, parenting is hard work. We are very fortunate at Darlington to have a community filled with parents who want nothing but the best for our children. Communicating with one another is an invaluable tool that we can use in the process of raising our children. Communicating in a positive, effective manner not only increases the likelihood that you will be heard, but also that your intentions will be well received.
There likely will also come a time when you witness something of concern involving someone else’s child. Or, your child comes home and tells you what he or she has heard at school concerning a classmate. You know that if the situation were reversed, you would like to be informed that your child was making poor choices. But how do you do it? How do you approach the parents of another child to tell them disconcerting news? If you decide to take the plunge and talk to the parent about their child, choosing your words carefully can help minimize any defensiveness or hostility the parents may feel.
To encourage positive responses, keep the following guidelines in mind:
• Speak in specifics, not generalities. A parent who hears “Charlie is always being a brat to my child” is more likely to react defensively than one who is told “Charlie called my daughter ‘stupid’ while they were playing yesterday.”
• Keep complaints to a minimum. If you go through a list of everything you have observed from a child, it could stagger even the best of parents. Instead, offer a couple of choice examples that are causing the most concern. Parents can grasp what is going on without being deluged with bad news.
• Avoid predicting future failures. Don’t make sweeping statements like, “If your daughter doesn’t stop this behavior soon, she will never have any friends.” Just hearing how their child is behaving today is usually enough for parents to bear without the added worry of how the child will cope in the future.
• Anticipate success. Avoid giving parents the impression that you consider their child to be incorrigible. If you throw up your hands and say, “I don’t know what you are going to do with your child,” parents will likely become defensive and not want to talk. If you let the parents know that you care about their child and are confident that things will work out for the best, you will usually receive a better response.
• Know when to stop. It is not a given that the values you hold for your children are the same as other parents’ values. It is your responsibility to pass on the information and let the other parents know that you care. It is not your place to interject your values into their lives or expect them to respond as you would. Once you have stated your position, work together if possible, or allow the family to handle the information in their own way. If the information you share is totally refused, you may need to politely excuse yourself from the situation and make a decision based on what is best for your family.
• Do not take defensiveness personally. A defensive response to upsetting news is natural. When children show disappointing behavior, parents often react defensively to cover up how they actually feel. It is important to keep in mind the many emotions that parents may feel upon hearing bad news about their child.
And remember, a parent may feel…
• Embarrassed. Especially in a close-knit community such as Darlington, parents may feel that all eyes are on them if their child has misbehaved. They may fear that they are seen by the rest of the community as “bad parents,” or fear that word will spread.
• Guilty. Because many parents may believe that behavior is caused rather than chosen, they may blame themselves due to fear of not being good parents.
• Powerless. Parents may think that they are supposed to know how to make their children behave. When parents realize that their discipline efforts are not working, they may wind up feeling powerless.
• Fearful. When parents hear bad news about their child, they often worry about what the future will bring. “If my 6-year-old is being mean to others in first grade, what will happen when she gets to Middle School?” Parents may also fear that they are alone in feeling inadequate to face all parenting tasks and feel afraid to admit it to others or ask for help.
• Overwhelmed. Many parents work outside the home during the day and attempt to fulfill all their parenting and housekeeping duties during the evening and weekends. When you tell an already overwhelmed parent about their child’s problems, you could be adding the straw that breaks the camel’s back.
There is no doubt about it, parenting is hard work. We are very fortunate at Darlington to have a community filled with parents who want nothing but the best for our children. Communicating with one another is an invaluable tool that we can use in the process of raising our children. Communicating in a positive, effective manner not only increases the likelihood that you will be heard, but also that your intentions will be well received.
