Parenting: Back to the Basics

When it comes to parenting our children, it is easy to get caught up in the day-to-day craziness of it all. Our children misbehave and we see it as the end of the world. We begin to question whether we are doing the right thing with our parenting decisions. We worry that one wrong move might invite a catastrophe and ruin their lives forever. Oh, the pressure!

A few weeks ago, I had the privilege hearing Dr. Robert Evans speak in Atlanta about parenting and all that we go through in raising our children. His talk reminded me of something that I have tried to keep in mind since becoming a parent 10 years ago. As difficult as parenting can seem on a day-to-day basis, at its most basic level it really is a simple process. When you boil it all down, there are three essential things that all kids need; and the good news is, they are things that almost all parents are capable of providing. When given these three things, almost all kids will grow into healthy, productive human beings of whom we can all be proud. 

1. Nurturing. It cannot be stressed enough how much children need to be nurtured. They need to be loved on, hugged, kissed and told that they are basically wonderfully people just the way they are. The power of unconditional positive regard on the life of a child cannot be understated. From the very earliest stages of life, children who receive physical and emotional nurturing from their caregivers tend to fair well in life. Essentially every shred of research you could ever Google supports this fact.

2. Structure. As important as nurturance is to our children, nurture without structure can lead to insecurity in a child. Children need parameters and boundaries so that they will know the limits that they must live within. With the appropriate amount of structure children learn manners, learn to share, and learn to respect authority. The important thing about structure is that the rules need to be clear and they need to be enforced consistently. 

3. Latitude. Finally, children need to be given the latitude to make their own mistakes. It is understandable that we want to protect our children by keeping them from harm and failure. There are times, however, when we need to let our children feel the consequences of their actions. If they don’t study for that test or wait until the last minute to do that project, sometimes the best thing to do is to let them fail so they feel the sting of not taking responsibility for themselves. Protecting our children from all failure may seem like the right thing to do in the present, but in the long run what are they learning from being saved all of the time? The reality is that we learn the most in the midst of our failures and it is during those hard times that we can best teach our children.

One thing that Dr. Evans said during his talk that really stuck with me is that, “it is not our responsibility as parents to prepare the path for our children. It is our responsibility to prepare our children for the path.” Through appropriate amounts of nurture, structure, and latitude to make their own mistakes, we can do just that.