How to Listen so Children Will Talk
By Jill Pate - FF/S
We have all probably heard the above phrase before; but, unfortunately most of us often feel we fall short of successfully accomplishing it. Helping our children learn to communicate is an important part of a parent’s job. Children who are able to express their thoughts and ideas in words and feel listened to do better in school and in future jobs.
So, how do we meet this challenge? First, it’s important to remember that it’s never too late to start. Even teenagers, who have lacked the loving foundations that are critical to developing a positive self-esteem, can learn to trust others and believe in themselves with consistent and sincere attention (or listening) to their behaviors and feelings.
We start by letting our children know we love them. A child can’t hear these words too often. There are two critical times when it is especially important to do this – just before your child leaves for school (or you leave for work) and just before bed at night. Also, look for new ways to express your love for your child. Comments such as “You’re important to me” and “You made my day” also convey your love for your child.
As our children grow, it is important to “listen” to their behavior. A child’s behavior is his or her way of communicating the feelings he or she doesn’t have words to describe. It is our responsibility to help our children build a vocabulary to express a variety of feelings. Feelings such as frustration, embarrassment, and sadness are often expressed as anger in the absence of words to describe them. Say things like “It must be frustrating when you’ve asked your little brother to stay out of your room, but he keeps coming in anyway.” In this way you are giving your child a word, in this case “frustrating,” to begin to identify and talk about his or her feelings. It also allows an opportunity for you to outline the acceptable behaviors associated with that feeling.
Here are a few other tips to improve parent/child listening and talking skills:
1. Try not to give advice when you should be listening. Many children say they don’t talk with their parents because their parents just talk and don’t listen.
2. Create times to talk: family meals, family game nights, bedtime routines that include reviewing the events of the day.
3. Turn car time into conversation time: no cell phones, no radio or ipods, and no DVDs. Most of us will lose this opportunity when our children begin to drive, so it is critical to maximize it while you can.
4. 80/20 rule (80% of the results from a job come from just 20% of the effort. Use this rule to evaluate your time. Is the extra hour you spend at the office or doing housework more important than spending time with your children? Five years from now, they won’t remember the night you left the dishes in the sink, but they may remember the night you showed them how to look at the stars through the backyard telescope.
Learning to really listen and talk with our children is one of the most powerful ways we have of showing them how much they are loved. Helping them to feel confident in identifying and expressing their feelings will help them succeed in school and in life.
