Difficulty & Struggle are Good in High School
By Jean Bonnyman - FF/S
No parent wants their child in tears because he or she is frustrated or are faced with a problem or difficulty. The parental instinct is to swoop in and help, defend their child, and even fix the problem. Don't do this and here's why!
Adults deal with frustration, problems and difficulty all the time. It is just part of life. Children begin adulthood in college. Mom and dad are not there every day to help out, protect and save their child. So when I am talking to parents who are in anguish about some dilemma their child has in high school, or a problem they are facing, much to their surprise I often say, "This is not such a bad thing." It is good to have difficulty in high school of any kind because it is an opportunity to teach good problem-solving skills, self-advocacy, and persistence in order to give self-confidence a chance. Paving the way for Susie or Johnny by letting them take easy courses, setting up their social life, or doing everything possible for that win in sports can actually set the stage for potential disaster after high school.
So what is a parent to do when their child is crying, angry or has a problem? First, if the child wants to talk about it, listen calmly until he or she is finished. Next, be careful of the language you use, as you want to empower the child to think and try out solutions. So begin with the good old "I hear you saying” and repeat what he or she has said. This way, your child knows that you are listening and he or she can hear the situation as you communicate it back. Most people perk up at this because they feel they have been heard or they are able to give an important correction.
Second, ask your child if he or she has any ideas about how to solve this problem, what could be done differently next time, who he or she could go to for advice or help, etc. In other words, try to keep the responsibility in the child's lap. You can tell a story of a similar situation you had growing up and you can mull over human nature with him or her; you can teach but you shouldn't solve the problem. You can agree that this is a difficult situation and you are so sorry, but that this is actually a good learning opportunity and chance to build skills. Assure your child that you are there to listen, talk about possible solutions and cheer him or her on.
If your child becomes angry because you won't fix it, that tells you something. Swallow hard, smile with assurance and be honest. "I would love to make your world perfect for you, but life isn't perfect, and it is important for you to build skills to handle problems and difficulty while you're still at home. I want to know, indeed I should know, of any big problems you are having, but it isn't going to help you for me to go fix everything for you. We can brainstorm together, generate ideas and do a problem-solving process. Can you see how if I fix everything for you it takes away the opportunity for you to learn and build those skills?”
There is still a good chance that if your child is emotionally upset that you may not be fully heard; he or she could be stuck on being mad or sad. Let your child wrestle with it and calm down a while. Say, “Let’s take an emotional time out for little while so we can both process this." Ask, "What can you do that will give yourself a little break from thinking about this.” If he or she doesn't know, you can make a suggestion because it teaches a self-calming skill: take a shower, play with the dog, etc. In other words, an activity that will give your child the opportunity to process even though he or she isn't thinking about it. (This just one reason why sleep is so important -- so we can process information and problems.)
After all this, it is important to give your child some space. In other words, don't bring it up unless he or she does. (Yes, this can be hard.) Chances are your child will come back to you with an idea he or she wants to try. If so, and it sounds reasonable, cheer him or her on! If not, wait a day until you ask. Above all, remember this is a skill and thinking process. You are trying to allow your child to learn with your guidance but not your direct involvement. Not taking over and robbing your child of a learning experience is more important that an "A" on a test or a trophy.
Want to learn more? If you haven’t noticed, the popular media is full of this topic right now. This summer, our entire faculty will be reading the book Mindset by Carol Dweck. You are welcome to join us! You might also enjoy Malcolm Gladwell's new book David and Goliath. For a quick read, click here.
