Bystanders, Bullies and the Likeability Factor

This month’s character word at the Middle School is "citizenship." All month, we have been discussing what it means to be a citizen of the many communities to which we belong. At the beginning of the month, we took more of a macro perspective and focused on the role we play as citizens of this world. We discussed the importance of remembering that we are all a part of a larger community than a school, a church, or even a state. 

As the month progressed we began to discuss our roles as citizens of a nation and a community. Next week, we will conclude this month’s character education unit with what it means to be a citizen of Darlington. This theme will not only conclude our unit on citizenship, but will also tie into next week’s anti-bullying assembly as we delve into the role of the bystander.

Too often it seems we focus on a dualistic perspective of bullying. We assume that the only important players are the bully and the victim. However, like the students, I encourage you to consider the role of the bystander. Ask yourself if when we discuss bullying we are focusing purely on the disrespect by the bully and the sometimes lack of self-efficacy on the part of the victim. If so, then I argue that we a missing a crucial component of this cycle. The bystander has a responsibility and an obligation as outlined by the stanza of Darlington's Mission Statement that reads "to act with integrity." A popular phrase my students will learn to associate with me is, “whether by omission or commission, you are responsible.”

If you are reading this blog and you disagree, you wouldn’t be the first. I’ve met with many parents over the years that have argued that allowing bullying to happen is not the same as being a bully. I’ve had discussions with parents who have argued that bullying is a part of growing up and is a typical part of the adult world. In regards to the first argument, I highlight that there are laws against facilitating or acting as an accomplice to a crime. School bullying is a crime, and there are those that have had many criminal charges brought against them including but not limited to, disruption of a school day. To the second argument I answer that while I am sure there are adult bullies, perhaps those who did not have the benefit of character education in the school or at home, I am equally confident that these individuals are not as successful in the so-called real world.

According to Tim Sanders’ 2007 book, "The Likeability Factor: How to Boost Your L-Factor and Achieve Your Life's Dreams," people who are likeable are not only more likely to make friends, but also to receive  better treatment by medical professionals as well as receive promotions ahead of their peers. This means that the choices other people make about you not only help determine your social life, but also your health and wealth. People choose who they like. They vote for them, buy from them, marry them and spend precious time with them. Think about it. Who hasn’t been in a restaurant and heard an obnoxious customer demand loudly to have their food fixed or else. Think about the waitress in question. Maybe she wrote the order down incorrectly, or maybe the cook got the order mixed up. Either way, what motivation does she have to help this individual other than to quiet them down? What is your response to anger generally? When you have someone yelling at you or acting in a snide or sarcastic way, are you more or less likely to admit fault?

Now consider this same situation, but with a customer who is understanding and even tempered as they request their food be sent back. How might the waitress be motivated in this situation? Is it safe and even worthwhile for her to perhaps admit fault and offer that customer a coupon or some other incentive to come back? I don’t know about you, but I don’t want the first customer to come back to my table. If I were the owner, I might even be willing to take losing his business in order to preserve the ambiance of my restaurant. The second customer, on the other hand, is the type of customer I’d like to see return. It’s worth it to me as a server and as an owner to see him return even if it means giving him a coupon. I didn’t attend business school and I’m not a mathematician, but it seems like the likeability factor is a pretty evident. 

So, no, bullying isn’t a normal, healthy part of growing up. It is, in fact, maladaptive. The truth of the matter is, whether you are an adult or a minor, pro-social behaviors matter. As a bystander, you have an opportunity to be a change agent and to increase that L-factor or to join the bully in perpetuating their maladaptive behavior.