“Because I Said So” (And Other Words of Wisdom Kids Need to Hear from Their Parents)

Words are powerful things…especially to children.  A passing word of encouragement can lift up a child in ways that we may never realize.  A harsh statement made out of anger or resentment can be held on to for a lifetime and never be forgotten.  As a father, I have come to realize that my words carry more weight than I may ever know.  While I certainly don’t walk on eggshells about what I should and shouldn’t say as a parent, I have found that there are some words that I need to say throughout my children’s lives.  Some are practical, some are emotional and all are important for one reason or another…

I Love You.  This may seem obvious, but it is probably the most important thing you can say to your child.  I try to not let a day go by that I don’t tell each of my girls that I love them.  One of my favorite moments as a dad was when I told my 6-year-old that I had something I needed to tell her and she rolled her eyes at me and said, “I know, I know…you love me.”  I am sure there are days that I fail to tell them that I love them, but the point is that it is in the back of my mind to say the words whenever I can.  When our kids are little we tend to say “I love you” all the time.  When they get older, it is easier to just assume that they know it and innocently forget to say it.  Believe me, your teenager wants to hear the words.  They may blow you off when you say it, but they want to hear “I love you” as much as a 15-year-old as they did when they were a 5-year-old.

No.  How cans such a simple word be so hard for some parents to say to their children?  Setting boundaries for our children is one of the most vital things we can do for our children.  When we say “no” to our children we are not depriving them of something they need; we are teaching them that the world has limits and our children need practice accepting some of those limits.  Practice saying “no” early in your child’s life and the odds are you will have a much easier time saying it later on when the stakes are a lot higher. 

I’m Proud of You.  Children want to please their parents and they need to know that their parents recognize their efforts and accomplishments.  It is great to have high expectations of our children and to push them to reach their potential, but at the end of the day our children need to hear, “I am proud of you.”  It validates their efforts and gives them the motivation to continue striving to do their best.

I Forgive You.  It is inevitable that at some point your children are going to make mistakes.  After this has happened and you have brought the appropriate amount of discipline to the situation, it is important to find a time to say to your child, “I forgive you.”  Don’t just assume that your child knows that you have forgiven them.  Saying the words brings closure to the situation and lets your child know, without any uncertainty, that it is okay to move on and that you no longer hold their screw-ups against them. 

I’m Sorry.  It is one thing for our children to make mistakes, but something that none of us likes to admit as parents is the fact that, sometimes, we screw up, too.  Maybe it is a harsh word during a time of stress, a time when we placed an unrealistic expectation on our child, or maybe we have placed blame on them for something they didn’t do.  Whatever the case may be, when we do something to hurt our children or to let them down, one of the best things we can do to heal their hurt is to simply say, “I’m sorry.”  A sincere apology from a parent not only models appropriate behavior, but also acknowledges the pain that our child may be feeling.  When we acknowledge their feelings and can admit our wrongs, our children can trust us more and feel more comfortable communicating with us what is really going on with them.

Because I Said So.   Some parents just don’t agree with this one and I have to admit that, prior to having children, I swore I would never say this to my kids.  Playing the “because I said so” card early in your child’s life does one very important thing, however, in that it establishes your authority within the family.  The reality is that there will be times in raising children when they simply cannot or will not understand why we have the expectations that we have for them or the decisions we make regarding them.  As teenagers, all of the explanations in the world will sometimes not do any good and our children have to accept that they have to follow our directions simply “because we said so."

Words are powerful things.  Our children are with us for a relatively short while, but the words we choose to say or choose not to say will stick with our kids for a lifetime.  Choose them wisely.