It’s easy for most adult women to identify with a young girl who is upset because she has been purposefully excluded by group of her peers or has become the object of more salient forms of relational aggression. Many of us in education may even go out of our way to lend additional support to these girls in addition to guiding others away from relating to one another is this manner. The reality, though, is that even adults may find themselves to be either the object or the perpetrator of said behaviors.
The sad thing is that these unhealthy ways of relating to one another can easily follow us well into adulthood if not checked early on. The reality is that these behaviors are systematically learned and reinforced by the kind of morally immature adolescent justice that is found within most school social systems. Furthermore, because these individuals rarely find effective alternatives in relating to each other, these early lessons in coping are often carried into the workforce as their only means of relating. At this point, the individual enters the workforce whereupon they either meet a new “Queen Bee” and become acclimated to a new social caste system to perpetuate the cycle, or are promptly met with a working environment that is restrictive of such practices. In the latter case, they have no way of navigating the social undercurrents without utilizing these aforementioned coping mechanisms, thereby causing them to ultimately risk their job security.
What is more, grammar school is probably not only the last place many of us will receive the kind of continued reminders of the need for pro-social behaviors, but also the last time in our lives where we will be given support to learn these behaviors. Realistically speaking, when in our adult life are we challenged to remember the Golden Rule, asked to include those eating alone or even to make sure to include all of our peers in an invitation to a club or party? The answer for many is that we aren’t. Likewise, when was the last time we were encouraged to visit the Human Resources Office to talk about how to make friends? The answer is we aren’t (despite the fact that work happens to be one of the top places individuals meet their spouses if they are not already married.)
As parents, this effect continues as pro-social behaviors are swiftly relegated to that murky continuum of, “Do as I Say Not as I do." At this point, many adults can acknowledge that they should teach their children the lessons that others tried to instill in them regarding how to treat one another, but are at a loss as to how to implement these behaviors since it has been so long since they themselves considered them. However, regrettably, research has shown time and again that it is precisely this notion of “Do as I Say” that doesn’t work in terms of long-term behavioral change. Social modeling of behavior on the part of an authority figure has by and far been shown to have a greater effect in terms of generalizability and resistance to time.
That being said, we must ask ourselves once again whether pro-social behaviors are valuable in terms of human relationships. If yes, then are our expectations of youths unrealistic when applied to adolescents and adults? If they are not, then how can we set aside some of these learned unhealthy ways of interacting and begin to mirror these behaviors for our students? If they are unrealistic, then in what ways can we make them more realistic?
For starters, we can work on taking responsibility for the unhealthy ways we relate to others through open communication. We can also brainstorm ways in which we can diminish our reliance on the following:
As an example, obviously it is not realistic to say that since we encourage our students to combat exclusion by bringing cupcakes for the whole class or for none at all, we shouldn’t bring in a treat to work unless there is enough to feed the entire building.
However, it is realistic to expect that you will avoid using exclusion by applying rules fairly when it comes to inviting someone to a dinner party. For instance, if you are having a family dinner and choose not to invite a student’s older sibling because you are mad at them, you would be mirroring exclusion. This behavior illustrates that if you want someone to know you are mad, a good way to go about that is to exclude them. If you ever wondered why students start to go through the “I’m not inviting you to my birthday party” stage, this is the reason. They are attempting to wield what power they have by repeating behavior they have learned form an adult or peer.
Now, if you were to take a moment and talk to your student about how last year you excluded Cousin Bob from the family Christmas and that was wrong because even if you don’t like him he is a part of your family, then you would be modeling that exclusion is wrong. If you were to take it a step further and tell the student that for that reason you are inviting Cousin Bob this year, and afterward talk about the outcome (e.g. Cousin Bob seemed to have a good time, I enjoyed that joke he told, etc.), then you would not only be mirroring that exclusion is wrong, but that you can choose to change this behavior by inviting someone you haven’t in the past.
I am not suggesting that these steps will permanently eliminate the degradation of pro-social behaviors in our society. What I am suggesting, is that it is a beginning, a place for families to start having conversations about the kind of people they want to be and the ways in which they want to treat others. This doesn’t mean that you or your child will never fall prey to these behaviors. But how nice would it be for a child to respond to a revoked birthday invitation with self-assurance and realization that the person choosing to act that way is in the wrong, rather than falling victim to this tactic and begging the manipulator to attend? Those utilizing relational aggression will take advantage of every opportunity to diminish your students’ sense of power to isolate and control them. By modeling and communicating, you have at your disposal the ability to let that child know they are not alone and that they have the power to choose how they want to behave and the ability to create lasting relationships based on pro-social behaviors.
