As parents, teachers and coaches, we all have a stake in the welfare and happiness of our students. At the end of the day, we all want them to succeed. And, while that may not be the only motivation for sending a child to school at Darlington, at some level it is a motivator.
In fact, one of the most remarkable things that I’ve noticed about Darlington students, in contrast to some public school students, has been their level of goal-oriented ambition. On one occasion, I had a student tell me that she was at Darlington because she knew that she was going to cure cancer one day and that this was the place she felt she needed to be to do that. Pretty amazing.
Still, sometimes I wonder if our students are missing out on a crucial component of education by focusing on always being able to attain that brass ring. When they don’t flounder, when they don’t make the kind of mistakes some of their peers are making, are they missing out on the opportunities afforded by these teachable moments? Is there a lesson to be learned in that life is not always as simple as the instant gratification of an “A” on a paper?
No doubt there are some mistakes that I have been very happy to see not being made at Darlington. However, I wonder at the value of a 4.0 when it becomes the expectation. Is there not value in the “B” student’s ability to attain a grade above the "C" average, and yet still be challenged to do better next time in an attempt to reach for that coveted “A”? If one is happily situated amongst the 90s-100s, what do they begin to believe about themselves when they meet a challenge they cannot easily overcome? What’s more, is the value of retaining 90-100 percent of the tested material diluted in some way by that expectation?
I can honestly say that I think about these questions every day because, like the students I am referring to, I too was an “A” addict in school. The stakes then were not nearly as high for me as they are now. Yet, ironically, I very much feel I’ve made far more mistakes as an adult than I ever imagined as a teen. And, while I am thankful to my parents for the kind of structure that allowed that statement to be true, navigating how to respond to these mistakes has been a great challenge for me.
For instance, like many of my peers, I’ve often struggled with internalizing these mistakes. Unfortunately, when you begin to internalize mistakes in behavior, questions like “Am I smart enough?" and "Am I still worthwhile?” easily come into view. These are not the questions I want to see my students struggling with. Time and again, research has shown that when we internalize these mistakes and begin to blame ourselves rather than our incorrect choices or behaviors, we begin to feel these mistakes are inevitable. We feel helpless and isolated. Likewise, it is when we fail to internalize our successes, as in the case of an “A” becoming an expectation rather than an accomplishment, that self-image begins to diminish as well.
Instead of getting stuck in this repetitive cycle, I would like students to learn the power of the mistake. In each mistake, there lies and opportunity to grow, to change and to learn. Now, at this point in a conversation, I often hear from others that that’s not necessarily true; people lose jobs, they get denied entrance to college, their girlfriend/boyfriend leaves them. And, they are right to an extent. There are often consequences to mistakes, but none of those consequences can inhibit you from learning and growing. While you may have to look for another job, attend community college or begin a different relationship after a time, plenty of people come back from mistakes. The important thing is for our students to understand that, in regards to the big picture, it’s not over until they say it is. There is no power to be found in “if only” but rather a great deal to be found in “next time.”
Moreover, students need to learn that we can accept them as they are; mistakes included. It’s in how we address these small mistakes that our students learn how we will approach the larger ones. If a student tells me they can’t tell their mom or dad something, I take this comment very seriously. I immediately respond by trying to encourage them to differentiate between not wanting to tell someone something and not being able to. It is imperative students understand first and foremost that they are bound to make mistakes, that naturally there are consequences to those mistakes, and that they and you are strong enough to come through those consequences together to focus on making the changes needed for next time.
