Darlington School: Private Boarding School in Georgia 15323
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Commencement Address

May 18, 2009 | 226 views

John Cox
Read the full text of John Cox's Commencement Address given on May 16:

I’d like to welcome all of our guests to another beautiful day here at Darlington School and thank you all for coming to Darlington’s 104th graduation ceremony. I would like to particularly thank all of the parents who are here today for entrusting us with your children. I assure you this is not a task we take lightly. And of course, welcome to the Class of 2009. Thank you for honoring me by asking me to give this speech at such a cornerstone event in your lives.

This goes a long way towards reaffirming a kind of crazy decision I made almost 20 years ago to leave a job I had held for almost 10 years to go back to school to become a teacher. I didn’t know what I was getting into, but I’m glad I took the plunge because I landed here. Not here speaking today, but teaching here at Darlington. You see, I love what I do. Not only because I get to hang out with cool people like the Class of 2009, but also because I get to learn new things every day. I have the opportunity to read, think about and discuss some of the best thoughts and ideas that humanity has produced over the last 3,000 years. Now don’t get me wrong. I don’t think I have everything figured out. I don’t think I know it all, or have all the answers. In fact I agree with Socrates’ contention the only thing that you can truly know is that there are a lot of things you don’t know. Even though there is a great deal I have yet to learn, I am convinced that with the help of my students, colleagues and friends, I have picked up some valuable lessons along my way.

The first and most important idea, the idea that I am going to focus on today, is not comforting. In fact, it might be scary and it will probably be confusing. And that’s OK. Confusion can be good. I believe that cognitive dissonance is essential to bringing about new thoughts and ideas. Scary can be good also. Sometimes we need to be driven out of our comfort zone because that is where we gain the most growth.

The scary thing, the main idea I want to talk to you about today is this: I can’t teach you anything. Let me say that again; I can’t teach you anything. I wish I could, but I can’t. Working on cars was much easier. The car would come in broken. I’d lift the hood, diagnose the problem, make a few adjustments or replace a part or two and that was it. The car came in broken and left fixed. Wouldn’t it be great if we could do that here? Students could come to class. We could open up your minds and add some knowledge. Make a few adjustments and you would be smart. Or it could be like those science fiction novels where you could have a plug so I could jack directly into your brain and download my personal experiences. Then you would know why you should never say, “Hey, watch this!” Or what you should say when the woman in your life says, “Do I look fat?” Just like That! Poof! Wisdom without the work. Wouldn’t that be great? Sorry, I can’t do that. I know many of you are probably thinking, “Why did I do all of that studying?” or “Why should I bother going to college?” or “Yay, no more thinking!”

Don’t worry. I’m not letting you off the hook. Just because you can’t be taught, doesn’t mean you can’t learn. You have to learn. If you are not learning, you are stagnating. Living organisms have to grow and move forward. Otherwise, your life will slowly decline into a state of dotage and decrepitude. Knowing nothing, doing nothing, and being nothing. You don’t want that. This leads your fundamental problem. You have to learn, but can’t be taught. You have to invest in gaining knowledge, but nobody can tell you which knowledge you should gain. No one can tell you what you are supposed to know, so you don’t know how to proceed. You can’t know where to go because you haven’t been there, and all we can do is point out different directions that we think might help. This is the scary part. When it comes to life, you are on your own.

There is a wonderful scene in "Siddhartha," Herman Hesse’s novelization of the Buddha’s life, where Siddhartha is standing alone on a road when he realizes what this concept means. He becomes excited, but also terrified. Excited, because he can now go anywhere and do anything, but terrified because he doesn’t know where to go or what to do. He is all alone and if he makes a mistake he has no one to blame but himself. He is completely accountable for all of his actions. All of us are accountable, whether we want to be or not. We love to have someone to blame. It is a relief to say, “It’s your fault.” “It’s his fault.” “It’s her fault.” It may be a relief, but it’s usually wrong. In most cases, we bear some responsibility. Now that you are adults, you legally bear full responsibility for your actions. What do you do with all of this responsibility? I don’t know. Remember, you are on your own.

Well OK, there are a few things I’ve pick up alone the way that might be helpful. Directions I can point out for you. Some rules that I try to live by.

Rule #1: Don’t panic. I know many of you are thinking that I stole this from Douglas Adams. Yes I have read "The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy," but I came across this idea almost 10 years before "Hitchhiker’s Guide." In Frank Herbert’s seminal science fiction novel "Dune," the main character, Paul Atreides, when in situations where fear might be a natural response, recites a litany that begins, “Fear is the mind killer.” Panic is a form of fear. Panic is fear entering the body. Fear doesn’t allow you to process information properly. The body’s response to fear is to increase your heart rate, quicken your breathing, and narrow your focus. Your instinct wants you to act, not think. This is the fight or flight response that all humans posses. This was a huge benefit if you were being chased by a crazy Neanderthal with an axe, not quite as helpful when your teacher gives you a pop quiz and you haven’t studied. In our complex society we need to be able to think and reason things out in order to react in a positive manner. Don’t shut yourself off. Open up your senses so that you can get the information you need to respond to whatever is thrown in your direction. When you gain control, and you can, you are free to act in a conscious and reasonable way. You can have control of what is going on inside of you. You don’t have to let external circumstances determine your internal state. Once you gain control you can move on to Rule #2.

Rule #2: Be aware. Be aware of your surroundings. Know what is going on at least in your general vicinity. The more I watch people, the more I think that half of us live our lives half asleep and half of us aren’t paying attention half the time. How many of you have driven to school or work and have no memory of the trip there? We get so used to our routine or so jaded by the sameness of our days that we completely miss what’s right in front of our eyes. In Annie Dillard’s essay "Seeing," from her novel "Pilgrim at Tinker Creek," she calls all of these little sights that we never see, “unwrapped gifts and free surprises,” “pennies cast from a generous hand.” But we never see them because who cares about a penny. We don’t value them and what you see is what you get. We don’t realize that there are millions of these “pennies” within our reach every day and if we collected them all, we would be rich. There is an ancient Zen lesson that says that the unenlightened person gets up, kisses their spouse, hugs their kids, goes to work, talks to their friends, comes home, eats their supper and goes to bed. When a person becomes enlightened, they get up, kiss their spouse, hug their kids, go to work, talk to their friends, come home, eat supper and go to bed. The secret is that there is no secret. Most of your life doesn’t consist of big events like this. Life is your day to day existence and the interactions with the people you love. Most of us miss all of these little pennies because we don’t value them. When Buddha was on his death bed, his disciple, Ananda came to him to find out what his secret was. “Who are you?” He asked the Buddha. “What are you?” Buddha’s response, “I am awake. I am awake.” If you start to become more aware of your surroundings, you can move onto Rule #3.

Rule #3: Think outside of yourself. Many adolescent psychologists have described the teenage years as a time of me-ness. Now, the Urban Dictionary defines me-ness as an adjective defining one's self. So, me-ness is really being concerned with, and focusing on, you. This doesn’t mean that you’re self-centered or self-obsessed. At this point in your life, you need to think about yourself so you can figure out who you are, what you want to be and how you will fit in this crazy society. While you are figuring yourself out, don’t forget about other people. Remember, other people help us figure out who we are. Our personalities are forged in our interactions with others. Who you are is made up of other people. Their perceptions can determine your success and happiness. That doesn’t mean you have to be a slave to whatever new fashion or idea that comes along. The conundrum is trying to be an individual while still connecting with your society. This is not easy, but it is how you fit in. Figuring out a good way to fit in leads me to Rule #4.

Rule #4: Be compassionate. There is a story, probably apocryphal, about the Rabbi Hillel, an older contemporary of Jesus. A young pagan man came to him and said that he would convert to Judaism if the Rabbi could recite all of the Torah, the most holy of Jewish scripture, while standing on one leg. The Rabbi stood on one leg and said, “That which is hateful to you, do not do to your neighbor. The rest is commentary. Go and study it.”

The Rabbi’s quote should sound familiar. There similar ideas in most religious texts. Islam: Hurt no one so that no one may hurt you. Christianity: And as ye would that men should do to you, do ye also to them likewise. Judaism: That which is hateful to you, do not do to your fellow. Hinduism: This is the sum of duty; do naught onto others what you would not have them do unto you. Confucianism: Never impose on others what you would not choose for yourself. Taoism: Regard your neighbor's gain as your own gain, and your neighbor's loss as your own loss. Buddhism: Hurt not others in ways that you yourself would find hurtful. Or in the words of Bill and Ted from "Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure," “Be excellent to each other.”

This is the secret to true happiness. Put other people at the center of your life. Every major organized religion (and some not-so-major ones) has, at its base, compassion. In all of these, the path to a happy, moral life is your concern for the well being of others. Our essential question this year at Darlington has been “Who is your neighbor?” The answer is - everyone. It’s not just the person sitting next to you, or in the next house, or on the next street. We now live in a world community. We are all neighbors. What are you supposed to do with your neighbors? It’s very simple. You are supposed to love them. I know this seems difficult. I know there are a lot of unlovable people out there. Good things are often difficult. We truly value things we have to work hard for. Love is worth the effort.

I hope this helps you on your way. Good luck, I love you, and I’m going to miss you.